John Obi Mikel is now so popular his fans want to kill him, according to 'Soccer Star Nigeria', whose scribes have chronicled the saga of the Chelsea and Super Eagles midfielder as he was forced to defend himself against screaming hoards of mindless orc in Abuja and was saved only by the intervention of Gandalf and Erkenbrand at first light on the fifth day, whose reinforcements enabled our brave hero and his house to cheat death itself.

Wait, that was Lord of the Rings. Mikel cheated death (and those really are the words they used) when adoring fans break through security barrier to get nearer to their new hero, whom they've apparently forgiven for having the gall to play in defensive midfield. That doesn't seem nearly as bad as the Battle of the Hornburg. Which was imaginary.

Although being that popular must be pretty terrifying, Mikel's been through worse. I mean, Dani Alves once looked him in the eyes, although the Barcelona demon failed to turn him to stone.