Rafa's first day at Chelsea FC:

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Rafa:"Hola, Fernando. I'm back, amigo."

Torres:"Rafa! When did you join Chelsea?"

Rafa:"Chelsea? No. No, Fernando. You are mistaken. We're at Liverpool, yes? This is Anfield, amigo."

Torres:"Liv... Liverpool? Anfield??"

Rafa:"Si, si, amigo. This is Liverpool FC, yes? Oh, look! Look! Here comes Gerrard!"

Gerrard:"Hi... er... scousers... erm... you'll neeveerrr walkkkk alooooonneee...."

Torres:"That's--that's not Gerrard! That's Lampard wearing a mask!"

Rafa:"No. No, Fernando. Trust me. Trust me, amigo. You are too paranoid, man. That's Gerrard, for sure. And this is Anfield. FACT."

Torres:"But we wear blue now!"

Rafa:"No. No, Fernando. We made a deal with Cardiff City. Cardiff changed their home strip from blue to red, so we changed ours from red to blue--it's all part of a sponsorship deal, yes? Trust me, amigo. We're at Liverpool, I tell you. Why would I lie to you?"

Torres:"I... I'm so confused... am I dreaming?? All this time... I... I thought I was at Chelsea! *SOB* "

Rafa: "Chelsea? Who the fuck is Chelsea? Fuck those plastic-waving rent boys. WE ARE LIVERPOOL! THIS IS ANFIELD! YNWA!"

Torres:"Si... si! YNWA! Fuck those rent boys!! *SOB* "

Rafa:"Now. Now, Fernando, dry your tears amigo... it's time for training so let's join the others on the pitch..."

ON THE PITCH

Torres:"Er... why is everyone wearing a paperbag over their head?

Rafa:"It's a new training exercise, Fernando. For you, something special. Here, put on this blindfold."

TEN GAMES LATER

Torres:"Fuck you, Rafa!"

Rafa:"No. No, Fernando. Fuck YOU."