Rafa's first day at Chelsea FC:
Rafa:"Hola, Fernando. I'm back, amigo."
Torres:"Rafa! When did you join Chelsea?"
Rafa:"Chelsea? No. No, Fernando. You are mistaken. We're at Liverpool, yes? This is Anfield, amigo."
Torres:"Liv... Liverpool? Anfield??"
Rafa:"Si, si, amigo. This is Liverpool FC, yes? Oh, look! Look! Here comes Gerrard!"
Gerrard:"Hi... er... scousers... erm... you'll neeveerrr walkkkk alooooonneee...."
Torres:"That's--that's not Gerrard! That's Lampard wearing a mask!"
Rafa:"No. No, Fernando. Trust me. Trust me, amigo. You are too paranoid, man. That's Gerrard, for sure. And this is Anfield. FACT."
Torres:"But we wear blue now!"
Rafa:"No. No, Fernando. We made a deal with Cardiff City. Cardiff changed their home strip from blue to red, so we changed ours from red to blue--it's all part of a sponsorship deal, yes? Trust me, amigo. We're at Liverpool, I tell you. Why would I lie to you?"
Torres:"I... I'm so confused... am I dreaming?? All this time... I... I thought I was at Chelsea! *SOB* "
Rafa: "Chelsea? Who the fuck is Chelsea? Fuck those plastic-waving rent boys. WE ARE LIVERPOOL! THIS IS ANFIELD! YNWA!"
Torres:"Si... si! YNWA! Fuck those rent boys!! *SOB* "
Rafa:"Now. Now, Fernando, dry your tears amigo... it's time for training so let's join the others on the pitch..."
ON THE PITCH
Torres:"Er... why is everyone wearing a paperbag over their head?
Rafa:"It's a new training exercise, Fernando. For you, something special. Here, put on this blindfold."
TEN GAMES LATER
Torres:"Fuck you, Rafa!"
Rafa:"No. No, Fernando. Fuck YOU."