A conversation between two 12-year-old boys outside Stamford Bridge :

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Dreww:"Hey Bob, you've got experience with girls, right? Can I ask you something?"

Bob:"Sure mate, what's up?"

Dreww:"Well, see... I like my next-door-neighbour Lisa... a lot really... so how can I make her like me back?"

Bob:"What? You means you want her to fall in love with you?"

Dreww:"Well, yeah. I want Lisa to be my girl...I wanna kiss her so bad... I asked her to go out with me and she said ok, but now I dunno what to do. It's my first time... I don't wanna screw things up... Help me, Bob! You've got a lot of girlfriends, don't you?"

Bob:"Of course, mate! Don't you know all them girls love the Special One? Anyways, it's simples, Dreww. If you wants Lisa to really like you, you just gotta share an experience with her that makes her feel good, reallll good, and then link them good feelings to you. You copy?"

Dreww:"Err...an experience? Feel good? Like what?"

Bob:"It's simples, mate. Just take Lisa down to the fairgrounds and ride the rollercoaster with her. LISTEN--the ride's fun, exciting, and scary alls at the same time, right?

Dreww:"Uh huh... yeah? So?"

Bob:"So, during the ride, Lisa's girly hormones will be jumping all over the place--she'll be screaming and shit--but at the end of the ride, she'll feel reallll good... and if you're sitting next to her holding her hand, she'll think them good feelings is because of you--geddit? And THEN... she falls in love with you. Dreww, you copy?"

Dreww:"Aahhh... um... yeahhh... I think I get it, Bob. Damnnnn... who'd have thunk?? Thanks mate, I owe you one--I swear, you're a freakin' genius."

Bob:"No worries, mate. I'm the Special One, hey? But LISTEN--don't kiss Lisa on your first date, you hear me? Otherwise a hobbit will grow inside her tummy, and then things will get really fucked-up."

Dreww:"A hobbit? For real?? Damnnnn... and what's 'fucked-up' mean?"

Bob:"Erm...er...well, you know how Torres gets paid 200,000 quid a week but don't score nothin'? Well, that's 'fucked-up'."