THAT'S NOT HOW YOU DO IT.
I don't have a link for this, because it was apparently reported on a French TV station, but enough people are reporting it that I'm just going to assume that there's something there. Salomon Kalou, whose contract expires at the end of June, is set to head to France. In a sort of reverse Eden Hazard, Kalou will apparently be heading to Lille - at least according to BeInSport.
Honestly, I'd be very glad to see this happening. I could easily have seen Kalou heading to Liverpool and Arsenal, putting everything together, and terrorising us for years thereafter. I could also have seen him being a decent impact sub, which is what he was for us. It's interesting that we tend to assume best-case scenarios for players who go to other teams and worst-case ones for our own players, but there you go. If Kalou kills it in Ligue 1, I'll be happy for him. If he doesn't, I won't really care. Yay France!