MUNICH, GERMANY - MAY 19: Bastian Schweinsteiger of FC Bayern Muenchen reacts during UEFA Champions League Final between FC Bayern Muenchen and Chelsea at the Fussball Arena München on May 19, 2012 in Munich, Germany. (Photo by Laurence Griffiths/Getty Images)
First things first: This is not a transfer rumour. Please don't pretend it's a transfer rumour. Thank you. Anyway, there's been some amusing news out of the Germany camp, where Roman Abramovich apparently decided to pay the Germans a visit. Specifically, he paid Bastian Schweinsteiger a visit.
Now, Bastian Schweinsteiger is awesome. When healthy (which, admittedly, has been fairly rare this year), he's one of the best footballers in the world, comparable to Michael Essien in his pomp. He might be 27 now and therefore not a particularly prudent purchase, but if he somehow fell into our collective laps I would be doing a happy dance for months.
Schweinsteiger is clear, however, that no official offer was made - and it's pretty obvious that he'd rather stay at Bayern Munich than go basically anywhere else. There is pretty much zero chance of him moving to Chelsea. Ever.
Instead, I think the point of the visit was something more like this:
Roman ABRAMOVICH: Bastian Schweinsteiger? Is that you?
Bastian SCHWEINSTEIGER: Mr. Abramovich? Congratulations on Chelsea's Champions League win. But what are you doing he...
RA: I'm looking for Bastian Schweinsteiger. Can you lead me to him?
BS: You have found him. It is me!
RA: Oh. I didn't recognise you without you being head down on the pitch and crying. Sorry!
RA: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! ROMAN AWAY!
[ABRAMOVICH pulls chord. Machinery bursts out of his well tailored suit, revealing a pair of jet nozzles. Another pull and suddenly the Russian oil magnate has departed the scene, leaving only slightly scorched grass in his wake. SCHWEINSTEIGER cries into said grass.]
RA (shouting from above, getting ever fainter): Your tears are deliciouuuuuuuuuussssssssss.