Chelsea are playing a match against West Ham United in something like eleven hours. Matches haven't been very fun of late -- our last win in the Premier League was more than a month ago -- so we decided to change the preview format up a little bit. And by that I mean write down the rules of a West Ham vs. Chelsea drinking game, for Chelsea fans. Here goes.

Drink when...

• Chelsea 'reset' an attack.
• Fernando Torres fails to shoot when given the opportunity in the box. If he does take a shot, drink anyway.
• The defensive players exchange eight or more passes in a row.
• Aimless Chelsea cross. Double if from Cesar Azpilicueta.
• You see a closeup of Benitez, Roman Abramovich, or Bolo Zenden.

...and when you hear...

• 'Rafa' without 'Benitez'
• 'Abramovich'
• 'Organised'
• About Andy Carroll's transfer fee.
• About Fernando Torres' transfer fee.

Finish your drink when...

• Chelsea concede.
• A non-Torres attacking player is taken off for a defensive one while the team needs goals.

Special events

• 16th minute: Applause. Then drink.
• Half time: Drink if Chelsea haven't had a significant scoring opportunity. Finish drink if neither team has had a significant scoring opportunity.
• Full time: Finish your drink. If final score 0-0, pour two more drinks; finish them too.

Stop drinking if...

• You see Marko Marin. He is a mythical creature and does not actually exist. Clearly you have had too much to drink.

* * *

Date/Time: Saturday, December 1st. 12:45 pm GMT, 7:45 am EST, 6:15 pm IST.

Venue: Upton Park, London.

TV information: Sky Sports 2 (UK), ESPN 2 (USA), ESPN (India).

Watch online: ESPN 3 (USA).

Ceterum censeo Torrentem delendam esse.